Be, Date, (and Marry)
someone:
...who loves you for who you are, but makes you want to be
better.
It’s great to have
someone love you for who you are. In
fact, it’s usually a bad sign when someone is always trying to “change”
you. But if they don’t inspire you to be
better; if they aren’t SO good in some ways themselves that you want to improve
just being around them; if they don’t believe the best about you, and make you
want to make it true; then they aren’t for you. By the same token, if you aren’t
that person for someone else; if you don’t inspire them to be better, and
believe they are capable of being their best; then maybe you should check your
own habits.
...who isn’t too concerned with how they look, because
they’ll care less about your “bad hair” days.
It’s okay to care
about how you look. You should take some pride in yourself, and be neat and
clean. But if you, or the person you are
with, is overly concerned about how they look, or wearing the latest styles and
brands, or having their hair perfectly coiffed every morning, then watch
out. Someday you might put on a few
extra pounds, or wear last year’s look to an event. You might be up all night with a term paper
or a screaming baby (or both) and you won’t be looking your best the next
day. Someone who is overly concerned
about appearance might not be the most understanding, make you feel ugly, or
not good enough, and you could end up very unhappy. Someone who doesn’t stress about the outward
appearance might be more understanding, and should make you feel beautiful on
the good days AND the bad.
...who you want to talk about, and tell the truth about,
because the truth sounds better than lies.
This one is
obvious. If you have to talk them up by
lying, then either they aren’t meeting your expectations, or you are
embarrassed by their “resume” and feel the need to embellish certain things, or
leave other things out. The truth should
sound better than lies, and if it doesn’t, and you are tempted to falsify
information, then maybe you should rethink the relationship. And if it’s yourself that you are lying about...well,
that should ring some bells, too.
...who doesn’t require you to make excuses, or explain them to
others.
Although this is similar
to the previous statement, this is bad news on other levels. If you are making
excuses now, you will be in the future.
If there is a personality trait, a habit, or a past experience that you constantly
have to explain to people now, don’t think it will get better with time. Do you really want to spend your life apologizing
for the person you are with?
...who you want to be seen with because their character
speaks so loudly, and it says good things.
It’s great if your
relationship is good one-on-one. After
all, you are the only two that matter, right? Well, in a sense, yes. But you can’t live your life as a hermit; you
eventually have to be around other people, be it family, coworkers, members of
your church, or your children. What kind
of things do they say, without saying anything?
If what their character says is negative, and therefore you don’t want
to be seen in public with them, it’s a sign that you have a problem. If other people don’t want to see you with them,
and that’s why you are hiding, what does that say about them?
...who will set a good example for your kids, and for others.
Many relationships run
into problems because the involved parties are so short-sighted. The flaws and negative attributes of their
significant other are things they can overlook for now; they may not be very
honest, but when caught in a lie, they eventually confess; they may promise
changes that aren’t coming to pass, but right now, it’s not that serious. Then 15 years down the road, they have
children, and suddenly mom or dad’s bad habits are rubbing off on the kids;
they make excuses based on dad’s behavior, or mom’s life choices. If the person you are with now would not be a
good role model for children, don’t expect them to suddenly become one in the
future.
...who you don’t have to hide from others.
This is very similar
to “being seen with” them, but it goes deeper.
If the things they do or say (or that you do or say with them) are
things you don’t want anyone to know about, this is a bad sign. If you have to keep their past, their “secrets,”
or their lifestyle a secret, that should be a clue that they aren’t living the
way you know they should, and that you aren’t either.
...who is dependable, and who speaks up for what’s right
even when no one else will.
Standing alone is
never easy, and someone willing to do so is rare. If you find someone who will do that, you can
trust they will always defend you, and always do what is right. In the end, isn’t that all that matters?
...who knows how to be serious, and how to have fun, and
that there is a time and place for both.
Sometimes I see
couples who are in their 20s, but act like they are 15. Occasionally, acting like teenagers can be
fun, and in certain places it is appropriate.
But if the person you are with never knows when to be serious, you might
end up raising an extra child, rather than raising children with them.
...who respects your divine qualities and gifts, and never
takes advantage of them.
Many women have a
natural gift of nurturing. They care for
others; they look after them, and have a sympathetic heart. But when someone takes advantage of that, and
makes you their slave, they are not respecting you. If someone plays on your emotions and
sympathies to get you to do things for them, or with them, they are
manipulating, not loving. They should
respect your virtue and chastity above everything, especially if you were
raised to respect it as well. And it
works both ways. If a woman plays on a
man’s desire to protect and provide, or uses his love for her to get things she
wants, it is an unhealthy relationship and you should get out. Again, this applies to individuals, so be
someone who respects others, and never takes advantage of them.
...who is striving consistently to be better, and who is
intrinsically motivated to improve.
Sometimes a partner in
the relationship insists that the other partner is making them want to be
better, and that they inspire them to improve.
This isn’t all bad, as I said at first.
Wanting to be better because of your partner can be a good thing. But
what happens when their source of motivation is taken away? What happens when
they “get you” and they no longer need to improve to be “worthy” of you? It sounds romantic at first, but if they are
only changing for you, be cautious: once they have you their desire to make
difficult changes could entirely disappear.
If they aren’t consistently improving for themselves and for God, forget
it.
...who doesn’t treat others (especially you) like possessions,
to be flaunted, discarded, or used.
Men and women are both
guilty of this. People are used for
money, sex, power, position, and dozens of other things. Rather than respecting their partner as a
human being, they want to show the world that they own them, and tell everyone
else to stay away. They want a pretty
piece of arm candy, or a powerful, rich provider. If the relationship starts to
feel like you are giving much more than you are receiving, take a step
back. Do you really want to live like
that for the rest of your life? It might make you feel important, needed, even “loved”
for a while, but eventually, just like an old T-shirt or an out-of-date cell
phone, you will be discarded for the newest model, or continually treated like
a possession.
...who makes you laugh; not at others, but by their wit,
intelligence, and happy sense of humor.
Everyone loves to
laugh, and a partner with a sense of humor is vital to surviving relationships
and life in general. But what inspires
their jokes? What makes them laugh, and where do they find joy? Is it in making others feel badly, and making
themselves look “better” in comparison? Or do they make intelligent jokes about
life, humorous situations, and just make you happy? If they are constantly
putting others down for a laugh, or making others feel “small” so they can feel
“big” then get out. Find someone who feels
good by making others feel good, and who lifts instead of tears down, because one
day, they may make you the source of their self-esteem, and work to put you down
so that they feel better.
What advice do YOU have from your experiences? Post tips below.
