Advice from a Not-So-Pro about Who to Be, and Who to Date

Be, Date, (and Marry) someone:

...who loves you for who you are, but makes you want to be better.

It’s great to have someone love you for who you are.  In fact, it’s usually a bad sign when someone is always trying to “change” you.  But if they don’t inspire you to be better; if they aren’t SO good in some ways themselves that you want to improve just being around them; if they don’t believe the best about you, and make you want to make it true; then they aren’t for you. By the same token, if you aren’t that person for someone else; if you don’t inspire them to be better, and believe they are capable of being their best; then maybe you should check your own habits.

...who isn’t too concerned with how they look, because they’ll care less about your “bad hair” days.

It’s okay to care about how you look. You should take some pride in yourself, and be neat and clean.  But if you, or the person you are with, is overly concerned about how they look, or wearing the latest styles and brands, or having their hair perfectly coiffed every morning, then watch out.  Someday you might put on a few extra pounds, or wear last year’s look to an event.  You might be up all night with a term paper or a screaming baby (or both) and you won’t be looking your best the next day.  Someone who is overly concerned about appearance might not be the most understanding, make you feel ugly, or not good enough, and you could end up very unhappy.  Someone who doesn’t stress about the outward appearance might be more understanding, and should make you feel beautiful on the good days AND the bad. 

  

...who you want to talk about, and tell the truth about, because the truth sounds better than lies.

This one is obvious.  If you have to talk them up by lying, then either they aren’t meeting your expectations, or you are embarrassed by their “resume” and feel the need to embellish certain things, or leave other things out.  The truth should sound better than lies, and if it doesn’t, and you are tempted to falsify information, then maybe you should rethink the relationship.  And if it’s yourself that you are lying about...well, that should ring some bells, too. 

...who doesn’t require you to make excuses, or explain them to others.

Although this is similar to the previous statement, this is bad news on other levels. If you are making excuses now, you will be in the future.  If there is a personality trait, a habit, or a past experience that you constantly have to explain to people now, don’t think it will get better with time.  Do you really want to spend your life apologizing for the person you are with?

...who you want to be seen with because their character speaks so loudly, and it says good things.

It’s great if your relationship is good one-on-one.  After all, you are the only two that matter, right? Well, in a sense, yes.  But you can’t live your life as a hermit; you eventually have to be around other people, be it family, coworkers, members of your church, or your children.  What kind of things do they say, without saying anything?  If what their character says is negative, and therefore you don’t want to be seen in public with them, it’s a sign that you have a problem.  If other people don’t want to see you with them, and that’s why you are hiding, what does that say about them?

 

...who will set a good example for your kids, and for others.

Many relationships run into problems because the involved parties are so short-sighted.  The flaws and negative attributes of their significant other are things they can overlook for now; they may not be very honest, but when caught in a lie, they eventually confess; they may promise changes that aren’t coming to pass, but right now, it’s not that serious.  Then 15 years down the road, they have children, and suddenly mom or dad’s bad habits are rubbing off on the kids; they make excuses based on dad’s behavior, or mom’s life choices.  If the person you are with now would not be a good role model for children, don’t expect them to suddenly become one in the future.

...who you don’t have to hide from others.

This is very similar to “being seen with” them, but it goes deeper.  If the things they do or say (or that you do or say with them) are things you don’t want anyone to know about, this is a bad sign.  If you have to keep their past, their “secrets,” or their lifestyle a secret, that should be a clue that they aren’t living the way you know they should, and that you aren’t either.

...who is dependable, and who speaks up for what’s right even when no one else will.

Standing alone is never easy, and someone willing to do so is rare.  If you find someone who will do that, you can trust they will always defend you, and always do what is right.  In the end, isn’t that all that matters?

 

...who knows how to be serious, and how to have fun, and that there is a time and place for both.

Sometimes I see couples who are in their 20s, but act like they are 15.  Occasionally, acting like teenagers can be fun, and in certain places it is appropriate.  But if the person you are with never knows when to be serious, you might end up raising an extra child, rather than raising children with them.

...who respects your divine qualities and gifts, and never takes advantage of them.

Many women have a natural gift of nurturing.  They care for others; they look after them, and have a sympathetic heart.  But when someone takes advantage of that, and makes you their slave, they are not respecting you.  If someone plays on your emotions and sympathies to get you to do things for them, or with them, they are manipulating, not loving.  They should respect your virtue and chastity above everything, especially if you were raised to respect it as well.  And it works both ways.  If a woman plays on a man’s desire to protect and provide, or uses his love for her to get things she wants, it is an unhealthy relationship and you should get out.  Again, this applies to individuals, so be someone who respects others, and never takes advantage of them. 

...who is striving consistently to be better, and who is intrinsically motivated to improve. 

Sometimes a partner in the relationship insists that the other partner is making them want to be better, and that they inspire them to improve.  This isn’t all bad, as I said at first.  Wanting to be better because of your partner can be a good thing. But what happens when their source of motivation is taken away? What happens when they “get you” and they no longer need to improve to be “worthy” of you?  It sounds romantic at first, but if they are only changing for you, be cautious: once they have you their desire to make difficult changes could entirely disappear.  If they aren’t consistently improving for themselves and for God, forget it.

...who doesn’t treat others (especially you) like possessions, to be flaunted, discarded, or used.

Men and women are both guilty of this.  People are used for money, sex, power, position, and dozens of other things.  Rather than respecting their partner as a human being, they want to show the world that they own them, and tell everyone else to stay away.  They want a pretty piece of arm candy, or a powerful, rich provider. If the relationship starts to feel like you are giving much more than you are receiving, take a step back.  Do you really want to live like that for the rest of your life? It might make you feel important, needed, even “loved” for a while, but eventually, just like an old T-shirt or an out-of-date cell phone, you will be discarded for the newest model, or continually treated like a possession.

...who makes you laugh; not at others, but by their wit, intelligence, and happy sense of humor.

Everyone loves to laugh, and a partner with a sense of humor is vital to surviving relationships and life in general.   But what inspires their jokes? What makes them laugh, and where do they find joy?  Is it in making others feel badly, and making themselves look “better” in comparison? Or do they make intelligent jokes about life, humorous situations, and just make you happy? If they are constantly putting others down for a laugh, or making others feel “small” so they can feel “big” then get out.  Find someone who feels good by making others feel good, and who lifts instead of tears down, because one day, they may make you the source of their self-esteem, and work to put you down so that they feel better.

What advice do YOU have from your experiences? Post tips below.