A Real Personality

"It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His Personality,
that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.”
(C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 226)

What I Used to Think

To me a personality has always been something I discover, something that happens as a result of my life experiences. I used to believe that the Lord gave me experiences as I grew that would shape me into the person I could become. I thought I was a more empathetic person because of the teasing and rejection I experienced as a child in school. I thought I was a more patient person because I grew up with a brother who (bless his heart) tested my patience. I thought I was a “good” person because I did good things, because I did what was “right” even in the face of tough situations. I thought I was a forgiving person because I could move beyond past hurts, and even be friends with those who had hurt me. I suppose I responded the way I did, in part, because that is how I was taught to be, and those were the things I was taught to do.

I thought that if I “did” those things long enough, if I went through enough experiences in life and responded in the “correct” manner, I would become what I was meant to be. Similar to Lewis’ example of the people in a dark room, I thought I knew who I was, what I “looked like” more or less, and how I was supposed to be. But I was in the dark and did not know it. Maybe I felt that the things I “did” represented who I was, and my personality. Maybe I thought I developed empathy, patience, or love all on my own, just by surviving the experiences of my life. Whatever the reason, the idea of going to Him to find out how I should be, and to receive my real personality never crossed my mind, because I thought I knew who I was, and that it was more or less out of my control.

In a sense I developed snippets, pieces, parts of a real personality, but I was doing what Lewis says can never produce the change necessary to make me into a god one day—I was waiting to “evolve” or, perhaps worse, I was waiting to “be evolved.” I was waiting to be changed into something better by doing the things I was taught, and by “surviving” the life experiences I had in store for me.

What I Am Coming to Know

But what I am coming to understand is that this change, this development of a personality, this “evolution” is different than what I thought it was. It has to be. In order to be changed from a “creature of God” to a “[daughter] of God” (220) I am missing a crucial point—it is voluntary. It isn’t going to just “happen” to me if I act the part long enough. No, I have to choose to be like Him. I have to choose to let those experiences I have turn me to Christ. I have to choose to let the good things I am taught lead me to Him. I have to go to Him, to want to be with Him, to want to be like Him. And not just to make myself better, not to find my real personality, but to find His personality, and voluntarily let Him make it my own. I have to “submit to death, death of [my] ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of [my] whole body in the end” (227) in order to let Him give me what is the only “real” personality after all—Christ’s personality. I never realized that those things I was taught, and those experiences I had did not shape who I was as much as they lead me to Christ so He could show me who I really am, and who I can and should be.

I don’t think that empathy, forgiveness, and patience are not part of my real personality. In fact, I believe quite the opposite. I think they are a glimpse of my real personality, which I received as I let tough experiences turn me to Christ. Though I did not realize it at the time that was what was actually happening to me. I went to Him because I needed Him, and as I came to Him, He gave me a heart. He gave me a real personality.
Now that I realize this, the challenge is to continue to go to Him. Not because I want to get a personality, because, as Lewis says, “as long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all” (226). I need to forget about myself, and just trust that Christ will take care of “it” as I go to Him. It is He who has been teaching and loving me since my spirit was created, and it is He who knows exactly how to make me into the person He wants me to be. Making a conscious, rather than unconscious, decision to turn to Him and go to Him will change me. It will reveal to me the personality God has intended for me—and possibly even put within me—all along.